he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
