im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize