why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
