i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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