How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize