Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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