went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
