So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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