Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
