I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
