i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
