R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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