i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
