We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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