I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize