Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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