if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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