i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
