Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
accomplished twins. life is a go
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
