they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
