Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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