literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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