I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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