If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
