i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
