You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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