I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
