what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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