I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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