I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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