the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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