...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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