Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
