you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
