I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
