Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize