If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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