I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize