She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize