Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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