Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
