It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
