I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
