Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
