I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
and you fell through a lawn chair
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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