im about as happy as oj after his trial
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
