@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
