my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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