How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
