I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
