im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
