i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize