Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
