It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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