she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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