Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize