I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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