That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
