FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
