you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
